Marriage Mum

Hating Husband (After Having a Baby)

It started a couple of weeks after my son’s birth, that I got very annoyed about having my husband anywhere near me. Whatever he did, it was wrong. I couldn’t stand him being physically near me or look him in the eyes. Even talking to him nicely was a difficult task. If possible, I tried to avoid him. If I had to talk to him, for things like where he put the nappy rash cream, it was always with anger.

I Hated My Husband And I Was Jealous Of Him

For so many reasons I was envious. For once, he was able to get out of the house, go to work, have a full hour for lunch. All while I am stuck at home with the baby – all day. Hardly had a break or a moment just for myself.

I felt like I have lost my previous life completely, while my husband still had his old good life and only had to deal with the baby for two hours a day until our baby went to bed for the night.

And because I was breastfeeding I was always the one getting up at night, when the baby woke up.

Each day was hard.

No doubt, we had arguments here and there before our son was born, but we were always able to settle this quickly. Being happy again soon after. Those times were gone. I had no motivation or energy to make it work between us.

I lost the love for my husband.

So many times I had told my husband that I do not love him anymore. That I do not care about him any longer. I told him that if it wasn’t for our son, I would divorce him.

The only reason we were still living under the same roof is our baby.

My son was what mattered the most to me. I wanted him to grow up in a happy family environment. Wanted my baby to be happy and have his dad by his side. A complete family. It wasn’t my baby’s fault that mum doesn’t like dad anymore.

I had to get the situation under control again.

Hating Husband after Having a Baby And How to Fix It

 

 

How Did I Reconnect With My Partner?

Only after I realised that I don’t want my son to grow up in a family with their parents constantly fighting, I started to actively make some changes. And some are small things which make a big difference and some things are harder.

But, my son is now ten months old and my relationship with my husband is getting better again. I realised that I still have feelings for my husband and I am willing to work on becoming a happier couple again.

 

Date-Nights

Before we had our son we used to go out for dinner almost every Friday. Always discovered new restaurants and were excited to explore them together. Now with our baby and no family around, we stopped going out for dinner at all. It just seemed too hard.

But, we recently had our parents over from overseas and they happily babysat. So started to have ‘Date-Night’s-Out’ again. I have to admit, it was awkward at the start (for me) as there was no escape from talking. And talking nicely. We had to and it did us good. So now, if somehow possible, we try to organise a babysitter every month or two to enjoy our couple time.

An alternative to going out is to have a ‘Date-At-Home’.
Once the baby is asleep, why. not have a special candlelight dinner (no matter if home cooked or ordered home). Important is to enjoy each other’s company on this special dinner date. And on the weekend, why not prepare a special breakfast for the whole family to enjoy or dare to go out with the baby.

 

Talk Nice

Why is it all of a sudden so hard to be and to talk nice to my partner? I now often shout at him for no reason or just act like a spoiled little girl who cannot get what she wants. Although she doesn’t even really know what this is in this moment. There were situations in which I got angry towards my husband because he didn’t ask me for a cup of tea when I felt like it and he was not instantly able to read my mind. And when he did, I was still angry because he hasn’t asked me earlier.

In my eyes, he was not able to do anything right. And therefore, the mood in the house was bad, constantly bad and there was lots of tension. This needed to get better for the sake of all of us.

So the following times I actively trying to speak in a nice and calm way, even if I did not really feel like it. And every time I pulled myself together and actually spoke nice, I was surprised at how easy the tension between us was reduced.

 

Let Husband Help

When my husband folded the washing, I was not happy, because it was different from the way I usually fold the T-Shirts and underwear. And if vacuuming the apartment, he did not go into every corner, like I usually do. These are just some examples of why I started to do the household all by myself. So things could be done perfectly – my way.

But after the baby’s arrival and all the extra work, I wasn’t able to keep up with the household tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning. So I started to let my husband help again – after I accepted I really needed some help.

And even if he doesn’t fold the washing the way I like it, it gives me time to do something else. I can spend some time with the little one and play or just sit on the couch for a while and rest. Or I can finish something else in the apartment, and go to bed earlier. Always a plus.
Once I accepted I needed help and let him help me, I was a little less angry at him as well.

 

Self-Care

If you take care of your self – love yourself – you are able to have more love for your partner as well. And especially when you are a new mum and it is so hard to take time for your self, I feel that it is even more important than it was before.

Why not for a change take some time for yourself and treat your body and soul? Your partner can take care of your baby (or a trusted relative or friend) and try some of the following.

  • go out and enjoy a relaxing and energising massage.
  • get a manicure and pedicure.
  • go to the gym.
  • have a relaxing bath at home

The way you feel afterwards is worth the time you were apart from your baby.

Read also: 6 Simple Happy Day Tips For Postpartum Mum

 

Psychologist

One main reason why I am getting closer to my husband again is due to my amazing psychologist, which is part of my mental health care plan. It is a great opportunity to let out all my steam, talk honestly about my worries and very often, just cry. This alone is a great relief, but my psychologist is also giving me amazing tips on how to work on myself and my marriage.

Read also: Why I am seeing a psychologist to treat my postnatal depression

 

Does my story sound familiar to you? Because it is completely OK  to feel like that.

And – You are not alone, many mums hate their partners after their baby’s arrival. It is true!

At the start I thought this was just me, I just lost my love towards my husband and that’s how it is. All my other mummy friends seemed to be happy. But once I opened up and talked to my friends about this, I surprisingly learnt that I am not the only one who couldn’t stand their partner after having a baby.

Not many admit those feelings to themselves or share it with others.

But just think about it: After birth, your hormones are adjusting and you are adjusting to a new life with a baby. On top of that, you are likely sleep-deprived. So it is easy to be on edge and projecting your frustration towards your partner. In the end, he is the one always close by your side during those first couples of weeks.

 

It Usually Gets Better After a Couple of Weeks

For most of us out there, the relationship will get better and the ‘lost’ love and appreciation for our partners are coming back after a couple of weeks into motherhood. This is once you found your rhythm and your hormones are slowly getting into a balance again.

But, this is not the case for everyone. In my case, it actually got worse week by the week. I was constantly moody towards my husband and if I had to talk to him, I was shouting or acted very silly towards him.

So, if you also are still hating your husband months after birth and it is not getting better, you may suffer from postnatal depression. Same as me. I can only suggest talking to your GP about it, who can work with you on a mental health plan towards getting better.

Read also: Dear Mum with Postnatal Depression – You are not alone

 

Now, it hurts me, thinking about it. 10 months after my son is born and many months of treating my husband with less respect than he deserves. I never intended to hurt him but it was just a very tough time I had to fight through!

 

I would like to hear your feedback. What are your tips for getting closer to your partner again? Please comment below.

 

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